Well, hello, it's taken me a while to find my old blogs, I haven't re-read them, but I'd better copy n save them to a durable form as the diaries of self indulgence 2009.
It's a feature of my life I'm still struggling with despite the cold showers.
Self deprecation appeals to me somehow, it's as if I wouldn't be me without it.
Yet I keep seeing signals, signs and symbols along my life that tell me, call me, scream at me to STOP, shift to positive mode, to take myself seriously, to talk myself up, at least to myself, to work myself up into the state I need to be in to take myself where I need to go.
It's procrastination, and particularly the procrastination that sets in in reaction to dangers both of utter failure and even more, to the risk of being snatched from the jaws of failure and disgrace and handed over to the summer of success in my own eyes but also in other people's eyes - that freezes me completely,
This year that's meant letting down my companions.
In 1997- ongoing somehow or another my supposed race for some kind of freedom led to nothing but disaster for my children, my ex-husband and I. They have all found ways through and beyond this mire, the girls have managed splendidly, amazingly really.
Perhaps I let myself get treated like shit by one of them because frankly I feel I deserve it.
This sense of deserving shit and anger and humiliation leads me to live in a suitably shitty way. No wonder I feel like shit.
How can I start to feel that I've paid my price, or that my applying this price has hurt those I love so much that it was all wrong headed in the first place, that to hold my head high, to attract good things into my life is the best way to make things right for them? It sounds so crazy cos then good things would happen to me. I want that too but I don't feel I deserve good things so it's all pretty muddy....
Ah well, that was a chance to speak to myself for a while...
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