Clam had to go because her name offended my sister. She had a point. How can I expect someone called 'Calamity' anything to blossom like Doris Day in the 1950's.. I so agree with her. I need a more dignified, graceful identity. J.Nee doesn't quite hit the mark; still maybe if nothing else we have an unmovable initial J and Nee implies both 'born as' and also 'born'. So maybe J has only got as far as the J or is still on knees or is in the process of rebirthing or - there are plenty of connotations so it'll do for now.
I no longer look daily to see if any one is reading or commenting. I no longer have a sense that I have reTaders. I no longer have been a writer let alone reader of this site for a few weeks. That's for a number of reasons. Firstly there was my being so up to my ears in other things that it slipped to the back burner. The more rapidly since no one was commenting so it was easier to d iarise on paper with biro than to 'put it out there' like an unmade bed..
Then there was the quiet spiralling downwards as a small number of contingencies met together in a manner that dispirited me. I remain dispirited.
Funnily enough I received an email recently that constituted in its vocabulary music to my ears, a brief spell in bliss, a rapid trip to and from what it might be like if my real self were anything like, in reality my 'i deal self'. It was a compliment from someone I respect very highly who used the word 'gifted' in relation to me and 'superb' in relation to my work as a writer.
It took me about 4 pages of typed script to explain to myself that neither of the adjectives appropriately apply to me, however much I could wish they did. It reminds me of the time in 1997 when I said to some unintelligent mh worker 'All my life I've wondered whether I'm a genius or a moron. In the end I've realised that I'm neither, but that I'm probably closer to being a genius than a moron'. As far as I know that, as a logical statement is equivalent in content to saying 'I think I'm probably above average in my functional intelligence'. Oddly enough this was recorded in my medical notes at the time as 'has a psychotic delusion that she is a genius'. I discovered this when I visited my notes a year later. It was one of errors of fact. For example my address was wrongly recorded, my qualifications matched those of my less academically successful or able (now ex) husband, my history as a published writer was recorded as a delusion of grandeur 'thinks she is a poet', my near bi-lingual background due to my mother being Swedish was recorded as 'delusion that she can speak Swedish'; my deliberate performance of uttering in Swedish because it just seemed absolutely pointless bothering to open my mouth in English, no-one was listening to a word I said, I reckoned I might as well be talking greek! I couldn't, so Swedish had to do. This was recorded as my talking in a made up language.
Yes, of course there were more errors that year, carefully recorded, stored and insisted upon ever since as a 'closed case' of 'fact' that it is pointless to revisit since it's all water under the bridge now.
Mmmmm.... Since the above more or less comprise the framework of 'delusions' I was said to be suffering from and since other indicators such as 'reckless spending' or 'sexual disinhibition' etc of bi-polar disorder were missing, I was not placing myself or anyone around me in a position of risk to harm -
..then to a high degree it would seem that twelve years on I remain forbidden to mention something: at the end of my marriage my ex husband behaved in 'mad making ways' once his girlfriend of the time went on holiday and he focussed on getting me hospitalised since in his avowed belief my wish to end the marriage was a proof that I was mentally ill.
His determinedly disturbing behaviours added to what was already a very distressing situation. In the stress of it all I began to lose weight and sleep. I did enter a mental and emotional crisis. The 'help' I got from the Mental Health Services from that point was of huge assistance to my husband from that point on until 2004. To me it was the ushering in of an era of violence, isolation and mental/emotional/social cruelty so severe that twelve years on from its inception I'm still pinching myself amazed that I'm still alive.
Sometimes I begin to believe the days of pain and mistreatment are over and that 'good karma' is moving back into my life in that 'circle' so cutely promoted on the 'Lion King', or in the scrible 'the cheek shall inherit the fun', or in To Kill a Mocking Bird - oh, in so many many sources of idealism in which goodness and kindness and honesty prevails and cruelty and greed and malice is conquered.
And then for a while I lose that hope again, or at least, my hope fades a little. What doesn't hope is that in the case of all but one person I've met in my life I have only ever met people who 'mean well' and even the one I've met I've my doubts about I believe there is 'self-righteousness' involved, that the person believes they are 'good' - indeed the person I have in mind told me several times when I was still encountering him that he is 'too nice for his own good'. We all have a right to our own opinions.
Just now hope is flagging a bit. Just a short fall of positive thinking probably. A yearning creeping into the filaments of me for feeling the sun on my life. It's probably just me accidentally chasing myself into the shadows. I must stop it. It's much more fun in the sunlight of living, much better when I forget myself, much better when I forget myself just now I keep remembering me and it's getting in my way and getting on my nerves....
4 comments:
And in the end the pain the yearning the sadness and the disappointment all revolve around my two daughters, the younger in particular, who thinks I am a failure, an embarrassment, a burden on society, a worthless pile of obscenities, a poor to useless servant, a maid of no quality, a dreadful mother, ..so many things get said, it isn't that there is never any lift of the verbal, intonational, attitudinal blows, but just lately there aren't a lot and it's been starting to get me down it's been starting to get inside me I've been losing my ability to believe that I am anything good or worthwhile
And I can't afford this because I have so much to do for the positives in life and to share those positives with others and to work toward proving to my children that I'm not just a pile of worthless *** and I can't do any of that when my energy like a gravity so strong that I can feel myself turning inwards like a vaccum inside my own black emptiness at times like this
Not the kind of stuff I think I should write in public perhaps I should be calling myself sylvia...
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult week, and are disappointed about the amount of interest in your blog. You do at least have regular and careful readers here. I do feel guilty about not managing to comment more often, but I have so often found myself lacking the confidence to comment in an arena that is somewhat public and where I can’t see how our possibly unhelpful comment is being received. We often feel uplifted by the positive energy that radiates from your blogs, and I do wish we could be with you to support you when negative forces take over.
In your own comment you say that the pain revolves around feeling that you are not living up to the expectations of your daughters (my own paraphrasing). I have some evidence for proclaiming that it is very clear to your friends that you attach the greatest of importance to supporting your daughters, both materially and emotionally. The fact that they look to you for emotional support at their age and expect to get it is your achievement. I know that not all parents can claim this. The fact that they are able to vent their feelings (even when clearly unfair and painful to you), rather than bottle them up is also in a way a credit to you.
We can’t really support our children properly if we don’t have our own lives, with meaningful activity and relationships.
As parents we can only try to do our best in the circumstances in which we find ourselves. The circumstances you have found yourself in have been very difficult (I say with our characteristic gift for understatement), and from what we know of your life you have certainly not brought those circumstances on yourself.
I can’t say I know your daughters personally, but we do know how highly you value them as people. I hope they will forgive me for offering advice if they read this, but perhaps they (and particularly your younger daughter at the moment) might think about whether the anger they show to you on occasions is really about issues such as the pain of being separated from you and the ramifications of your diagnosis of bipolar disorder, rather than the state of the house etc.
So , I say, J Nee, that we do raise our hats, black, white and otherwise to you as parent, friend and, of course mental health rights worker.
We wish we could try to say or do something helpful regarding the other contingencies that have come together to dispirit you, but we must wait patiently in the hope that you will take up this offer by enlightening us further when you are ready by a method you find appropriate. Specifically we are wondering whether the 2nd and 3rd to last paragraphs of your Friday posting are still referring to your treatment by the mental health services or are more general comments.
Finally, and perhaps showing our nervousness about our efforts to be helpful being counterproductive, I would like to say that if you choose to read and not publish this comment, we will understand.
Ekesan Moppatt, Saturday 16 May.
Ekesan,
Never did manage to translate your anagrammed name - and it doesn't matter... I very much appreciate your comment and draw warmth and strength from your thoughts. Thank you very much for taking the time for sharing them with me. At times in life no doubt we can all become separated from the positive energies inside us and around us and find ourselves a little lost in the shadows of our fears and doubts. Your time and effort in response to the bleak entry contributed by J.Nee has been generous and constructive: I sense that it will prove an effective antidote to the entropic weather of mood that was expressed on yesterday's posting - I can't exaggerate how encouraging it is to find that someone is visiting the blogs occasionally. They are very much an exploration of internet communication and dialogic publishing, pretty much a stumbling around in the dark still... luckily they remain largely a private space and I don't publicise them since until there is some more coherence of purpose and development to them it seems much the best for it to remain, as it were, a solitary rambling and bumbling about, a bit of personal 'exposure' among friends...;-)
I am pleased that our comments were welcome to you and that you thought they might be helpful. We do wonder how you are feeling today, and whether I need to renew our efforts.
My name? No, it doesn’t really matter. It was somewhat disconcerting to be told that the name I have had since my birth might indicate a fear of being the most famous postman in the land, but now I am just happy that it might provide you with some amusement when have worked it out.
Eke s an m op pat t
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