Two Steps Backward....

Well: If you follow clam's misadventures it would be nice if you would let her know ;-). She's aware you have a busy life and have little enough time to skim her ramblings let alone comment on them, but she needs you now so please do what you can.

She did very well last Wednesday, 11th March; didn't go near a cigarette, didn't use nicotine replacement, was a nicotine, smoke free zone until nearly noon the following day.

Her excuse was that she was visiting her 78 year old father in Bedfordshire, where she found him shuffling about like a zombie, in a psychiatric hospital there (where he's been for most of the last 3 years) drugged up to the point where you could see a film of the stuff across his eyes. His continuous speech was focussed on asking for a cigarette, being told he couldn't have one yet, he had to have one an hour no more, smiling, asking again, etc. She chose to keep him company in the chilly garden and play the disapproved patient with him as they puffed away once an hour for the six hours she was there.

The idea was, she told herself, she'd return a non smoker. This landscape altered slightly on Friday morning when she made herself obviously available with a cup of tea outside another building devoted to matters of mental health and a friend offered her the cigarette he could see she was yearning for. The weekend did not see a turn for the better.

The house got put back in order however, not order you understand, but the same disorder level as had been documented with her mobile phone a couple of weeks earlier. This was restoration of a kind.

Until Monday when for some reason best known to herself, she slept in the morning, went for lunch with a friend, went straight home and did some more dozing and then, early evening ate four cadbury's chocolate eggs. She still feels sick. It wasn't a nutritious evening meal. She also bought a further pack of ten cigarettes. The kitchen isn't looking great and she still has 3 baskets of clean washing to fold and sort and put away, a review that's now embarrassingly outstanding and a short anti-stigma conference article ditto.

She is feeling very ashamed of herself. She is seriously considering pulling her socks up with or without your support. She doesn't currently feel she deserves your support and if I'm going to be honest - I kind of don't either. Maybe you can work this way - if you see a posting by her that shows you that she's putting in the hours and effort on her own recovery and development journey you could pop a comment into the comments box as a reward; when she's reporting her lack of motivation give her a wider berth. This is always assuming that you are following her journal.

I'm hoping that we can drum up some support for the air space I'm giving her. My purpose in handing my journal to calamity jane for the present is to conduct an experiment: could such an approach to recovery, documenting its progress and problems, constitute an effective method of motivation and forum provision for recovery journeys?

Without some interaction neither outcome can be evaluated since the method simply isn't working to provide a 'community of interest'.

Let me know what you think. Below this posting you should find a word 'comments' - -press on it and a box will come up so that you can input your comments. My goal is to look at the nitty gritty of 'recovery' in the fullest sense. I welcome your thoughts and suggestions.

MissMiracle